Sissy dreams

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The sun was high before I could relax The clattering of the wheels of the train echoed faintly on the walls of my mind and the rhythmic cradle-like movement of the carriage I wrapped myself in a soft balm of my half-dream but I couldn't sleep at all I was too tired too guilty and in the middle of something too stretched for me to close my eyes The cabin's air conditioning didn't work so I asked the man across the street to open the window for me on my way in because I needed fresh air even if it was hot The white light of the sun was shattered by my half-open lashes into a Million sharp colors-the world was a rainbow and filled the alarming void of freedom I was floating on the edge of existence and non - existence but something tied me here-the glow the desire which is shapeless but it burns It was the freedom I hadn't felt in 15 years
Even at the railway station the trains that came into my mind as effluent images were swirling around in colour creeping impressionistic paintings or moving slowly through their straight track like thick oil paint The voices the sharp sparkling wheels were nothing but distant and deep metal tones When I picked up my ticket at the ticket window I couldn't say anything meaningful I remember the look on the employee's face when seeing two of my large suitcases he inquired amicably about the reason for my journey and by my reply I was struck down by my remark about the hill With no other purpose but to emerge from the depths of suffocating water With it I swayed from his sight without arranging my movements as if I were doing a Monday dance and flew up into one of the cars to the first class to this man whose features had scarcely been drawn before me
Through the window I could see the far landscape clearly The sun scorched from the inside just like the yellow dry earth and the green but rough-leaved trees I closed my eyes I tried to dream but all I could remember was the images of reality and my weary desires The great unknown drew me back again and involuntarily I glanced at the man in front of me He had a strong strong nose a big but beautiful nose like he could smell anything from the future that might touch him The drawing of his soft but masculine face his black hair to the back of his head fell into his forehead and the light blue eyes of the researcher inside revealed a burning cold fire His summer jacket was hanging on the coat rack When he opened the window for me I noticed his muscular backside as his broken white trousers pressed against him He was struggling with the window because it was hard to walk but it allowed me to enjoy the view even more Sometimes the muscle tightened sometimes relaxed vigorously waved under the tight trousers-taking the shape of the whole circle and the semicircle the adonian buttocks There was a slight surge in my body from my lower part to all directions There was a fire serpent at the base of my spine I shuddered in the summer heat
For weeks I was in a state of fear as if I had been affected by the rays of summer Specifically my decision to leave my husband and two children I'm leaving everything and everyone I've ever identified my life with All the parts that were attached to me with its weight falling apart To conceal my nature my true desires and desires after the new reunions I thought it would be best for me to return to the point of origin To the Origo from which the rays of my ruined life were exasperated and seemed to be lost So I went to Szeged that my first journey would lead me to the Dome to which I had always conducted my requests in whispers and humility and which had always fulfilled them For me that building is alive and listening and performing If I pray to him he will set in motion the motionless mover the hidden God Standing in the Cathedral Square at the foot of the stairs with his back to the medical school adorned it with the twelve signs of the zodiac I always look up and ask and I see a hidden part of the Beautiful Living Building It's been ten years since I've been to my church before the second child was born By then the shadow of the clouds had already appeared It's been ten years since I last asked Then I want you to ask me to come to you when my life goes nowhere and I know I have to make a move That's how I started from the old life to the Dome Because he texted me
I tried to sleep but it didn't matter I wished for the deep dreamless dream I had so often had Sometimes just when I was about to fall asleep my head fell sideways and it made me slip back into a strange half-dreamy existence To fall asleep so deep it all goes away No thoughts no feelings no memories No pictures in my mind To sink into it as only an animal can sleep all that is human reason shall cease to exist in me It was close and I could feel the thoughts like bullets coming out of me rolling in a thousand directions()


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